Can I be honest here? You know let my true feelings be made know, like they can't in other forums? I figure if you care enough to read my blog then you may really care about me, right? I'm putting my swing together- it's been sitting in the box since my shower. I decided since I'm going to be induced on Monday I guess I'd better do it. I'm bawling the whole way through it.
This week has been hard! I've been in a lot of pain, my separated pubic bone from pushing too hard with Charlie. I'm coming to terms that I'll bring a baby home and essentially be on my own with 3 small children. My plans have fallen apart and I'm trying to figure out how to do it all. My sitter it turns out got her weeks mixed up and won't be able to help out. Xadi has a dance camp- I thought it would be good to give her something active to do this week. Dave is in town a total of 2 days, but will need to re-pack his trucks to head back out. One of his gigs is the "BAD" one from last year. My step mom will help out a little but found that her leave from work was cut back. I'm stressed! I wonder what it would be like to have a baby with someone who really wants to have a baby with me? Who would help me get ready and be around after it's born. It's hard to forget things that have been said over the last two years and not take it personal. I still struggle to know what is truth and what was just said in moments of anger. Through all my kids I feel like I'm flying solo. I've always set up the crib and everything myself. I've just looked past this like it's normal- but it's hard when I see glimpses in to others lives to see those small acts that other daddy's do. I feel like I'm always taking care of everyone else. I just want to feel like to be the one taken care of.
I'll try to end on a positive note. I am grateful for Dave and his hard work providing for our family. I've turned that all over to him and he is doing a great job! I love him with all my heart. I'm grateful for the atonement, that we can all change and progress in the lessons we were sent here to learn. I'm grateful for my chance to be a mother. I love my kids so much they are my world! I think they are the most beautiful amazing children in the world! I'm nervous and excited for number 3, I'm sure she'll be just as amazing as the other two. I'm so blessed in regards of my children. They teach me so much and they are such strong valiant spirits. I know this is my path that I chose, from the pre-existence. I know its according to a Heavenly Father who loves me, so I can learn and become the person I'm meant to be.
